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As i stumble through life I wonder, does anyone really care about me. I sign up for dating services like match.com hoping to find a girlfriend or anyone! I walk away with a girl about 10 miles away from me, shes 15 kinda cute, nice. After a month of talking, she loses her bf, she tells me she doesnt like me. It hurt but I was ok because I never expected anything, we dont talk for a week and I get a message saying, she has feelings for me. My mood instantly gets better, I feel more confident, I feel good, Im happy, I feel like getting out of bed. Yet today, I talk to her, and she tells me "Dont fall in love with me" I ask why, she says shes going out with one of her brothers friends, Again the pain settles in but this time, Its worse, My hopes were up when she said she had feelings for me. So now im up in the air, basicly like falling from a 2 story building. I tell her, "I have no words for what you just did for me" and she replys its not my fault, I didnt do anything to you, im suppose to be with the one I choose, yet i remember her sending me a text, telling me to talk to her, cause she had feelings for me. I confront her, and she says, "Humans are suppose to be selfish" "I said i had some feelings for you, but that was the night I felt depressed." I dont understand????? Because she was depressed shes allowed to lie? and it doesnt count??? Then I get accused of liking her for the reason that shes my last resort for a girlfriend. I honestly dont know what my last resort is? Ive never had a real gf, ive only dreamt of having one, while others are kissing and making out and grabbing each others butts im watching and whining and wishing that was me. Is she my last resort? No, shes just another girl ive poured my heart into, on my search for someone to love. I LONG TO BE LOVED! IF THERES ANYTHING I WANT THIS CHRISTMAS ITS TO BE LOVED! I could care less about what I get, the best present would be a kiss on my cheek from a girl who truely loved me. And then she comes back, to tell me I could just go out with you for the hell of it, but I cant do that. As if I wasnt crying enough at this time, No No No She had to beat the dead dog inside of me some more. Then I say, It would have been really nice if you had kinda told me, that I didnt have a chance, and the feelings for you was just fake, so you could get some attention. BUT WAIT ITS BECOME MY FAULT NOW! "STOP BLAMING ME FOR EVERYTHING" "NO ONES PERFECT" Then I admit it was my fault, as I fold easily, But after all this more dead dog beating! "its just to me, your a boring person" Now after Im the one at fault I get insulted that im a boring person, not that i wasnt crying enough at this stage, Nope I had to get more abuse. "I tried alot to like you a month ago but I couldnt, you dont talk on the phone, and you talk about how much you hate your life" Wonderful now I have to be reminded that im a self hater of myself. This is where i just had a breakdown, and felt like slitting my wrist for the second time. I dont understand I pour my heart into people, and they rip my heart out, then they put it back in just so they can rip it out for the 2nd time! Of course I admit its my fault for everything once again. And I cry for another 3 hours, till right now 3 hours later and im still crying. I love how people think they know what depression is also. Especially teen girls who think there life is horrible cause they lose there bf's and stuff, TRY BEING SO UGLY THAT PEOPLE TREAT YOU LIKE A DOG, TRY BEING SO UGLY THAT GIRLS DONT EVEN NOTICE OR TALK TO YOU, TRY BEING SO UGLY THAT YOU CANT FIND ANOTHER PERSON WHO LOOKS WORSE THAN YOU. Spend a day in my life and you will know what true depression is.
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